Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Yeah, it is a whiney butt post

I think there are two types of people in this world. There are the ones that can look at themselves and say "yeah, that's me" or they don't. It is difficult to be one of those people who truly can judge themselves for who they truly are. It is damn frightening at times. I have realized that lately, I have tried to ignore who I am, make fucking excuses about how I got into the life I have right now. About how it is the world's fault, people's fault, my family's fault. But God forbid I ever put the blame on myself. I have always been able to look at my faults and I can see them as plain as day. This has always made therapy a chore because why the hell am I going to pay someone to try to figure out my faults when I can tell you what they are? The few times I did go, I would just get frustrated and leave more irritated than when I came. It is just so much easier to look past what I could do to fix things and just hope someone would fix them for me. The last time I really took proactive strides in fixing the whole friendship area of my life I was essentially screwed over and then shat upon. It has been almost a year since that has happened and I haven't left this funk since. It happened, and I am just being the eternal baby whining about how it hurt me and how I am never going to have true friends, and blah blah blah, waa waa waa. I know it is time. I either need step up or step off. I know what I did to cause the scenario to play out. It is surprising to think that whole event has caused me to pretty much withdraw socially. Oh well, life happens. I am not any less of a person for it. I am ready to move on to this new phase in my life.